upsidedown

its sad to say that i will probably continue to get lost around manchester until the day when it is light out when i get out of work. the second i think i know where i'm going, cowshire slaps me with a 'oh no you didn't' and i'm totally lost.

but i keep ending up eventually at one of the same two intersections every frickin time. you'd think with that i could figure something out!

bah!

a speck of dirt

i feel like i am losing the ground under my feet. its slowly slipping away like i'm walking the wrong way up the down escalator and am not quite keeping up. At best I'm standing still as i push against the downward force of my everyday life. constantly straining to look up to see what is creeping out of view.

its the challenge of the paradox, the catch 22. is the worst the best or better than the good? what's right in an all left world? i was always one comfortable in my own skin. ok with the way i was. all my flaws were all of me and even when i was young it didn't matter. most people question themselves when they are kids... peer pressure, taunting, media, etc are all strong and driving reminders of everything we are not. despite all we are, we can only see the gap between us and what the world says we might all be better as.

but no, not me. sure it hurt. flashes of insecurity lit the way sometimes. but an inner confidence really is what let the sun shine in. most people gain than confidence as they grow older, get a better grip on reality, a smarter vision of importance in their mind's eye.

i seem to be the opposite. during my first year of graduate school, i had to write my leadership story. who was i, down deep, what drove me to lead in the way that i do. the picture representation i chose one day in class really showed the wisdom of my thought. a lone ice fisherman backdropped by a beautiful sunset. he is kneeling next to a hole in the ice and you can see the water rushing below. his face, all but the content look of his mouth, is hidden behind the fur of his jacket. on the surface, he was alone in a vast cold land. but just below him, unharnassed power raged. he was the balance between the two.. the calmness and the motion, the solitude the comes just ahead of the rush.

the story i wrote is still the truth. with a stroke of amazement it hit me like a brick one day the moment my leadership story began. than day in 3rd grade. the most altering day of my life happened when i was 8. it passed by me at the time i'm sure showing no signs of the great impact it would grow to have. a mere speck of dirt on the lens of my life. but enough to be noticed. too much to ignore.

so when one of the most grown up moments comes when your 8, the world seems to work in reverse. the older i get, the more i lose the ground under my feet. the larger the question in my head becomes. the greater the gap between me and who in the world i am supposed to be. i find myself mysteriously less independent and reliant on others for support. i was never one to be sad or tell my sad story. if i was really upset, i wrote, like this, but didn't speak it. i was fun all the time and always able to cheer people up. being happier was way better than being sad. still is.

nothing's changed.

so if nothing is changed, why can't i be the same? well, not exactly the same, a different version of my better self. where the good is still good and the crap is less crap. why at 25 have i become more vulnerable to harshness of the outside world than i was in elementary school? why did i stand up in its face then and bow my chin now? i see it happening. i see me different. but often only in hindsight or two seconds past the words flowing out of my mouth.

i'd say my heart got soft, but it always was. there was never not an infinite supply of second chances for people, no matter what. i knew everyone, was friendly with everyone, was ok with everyone as they were. it was easy cause i was ok with who i was. but maybe that soft heart is starting to fatigue. maybe just maybe it was abused a few too many times and its taking a little longer to return each time it gets stretched.

believe me, i wish nothing more than to be the old me. in some ways at least. i want to still be ok with who i am, all of me, despite all of me. i want to remain confident than i am a good person worthy of love. i want to be happy all the time and let things roll off my back.

i want to know i still have friends than care about me like i deserve, like i care about them. ones that see me for all that i am and want to help me be all that i can be, even when its hard. change is hard even when it is good and it needs support. we all need support to be the best people we can be. when i was a kid i had it around me everywhere. there was a constant reinforcement both by words and, more potently, by the actions of those who cared about me. unconditional love is one of the most powerful forces in the world.

so if you see me, smile. because of me, despite me, with me, or for me whatever it may be. help me make my life great again so i can make yours greater. i want to be the better person more than anyone might be able to imagine, but it will take time to get back there. and when i'm all me again, maybe you'll finally see all of me.

i just hope its not too late.

a song of revival

so i am going to begin reviving some of my old written works in hopes that even if it doesn't mean much to you, it might motivate me to start writing more again.. which is always a goal i fail so miserably at attaining...

so here's one from june 18th, 1998.....

why?

Because society makes me. They want me to conform to their ideals, believe their opinions, think their thoughts, dream their dreams, but all at the same time retain my individuality- be myself and be inspired. They tell me to follow their yellow brick road and as long as I walk the way I like, be it trotting, skipping, meandering or backwards, I will remain my own person. I will lay my own bricks (and I would prefer them to be purple). "I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

Because my parents want me to. They don’t want me to succeed but rather to be a success- to get a good job and earn money. I want to do what I want to do and if it pays nothing in cash, I’m sure I will learn an invaluable lesson from doing it. Money cannot buy you love, happiness, respect or concern, nor can it help you succeed; a success it may help you become, but fame means nothing. I want to live. I want to learn, to plant my seeds and grow up tall and strong- penniless if necessary- but I will be happy and I will have succeeded. Remember, "The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

Because my friends think it’s cool. Oh well, so nerdy isn’t in, learning isn’t fun, and school isn’t the happening spot to be- such is life. I’d rather live in the library than die in the streets trying to be ‘cool’, drinking, taking drugs, having sex, and causing trouble. There is no future is doing nothing. I will make a difference, I assure you, and someday you will find me out on the streets, but I won’t be pushing drugs; I will be encouraging success, happiness, education- something worthwhile. I will be spreading the wealth- knowledge that is- of life and experiences, of having succeeded. "I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something, I will not refuse to do the something I can do."

Because I want to. I am here and it is now, it is time; "today I give you my dream." My dream is that of Tennyson, "to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield." My dream is that of King’s. "that one day our nation will rise up" and judge me by only "the content of my character." But still, I have a dream: that I will be appreciated for my individuality and not scorned for my differences; that I will be praised when I have succeeded and not thrown aside since I am not a success; that I will make a difference, in one life or one thousand, and I will be remembered not for one glorious triumph, but in contrast, for one glorious life that I have lived happily, scholarly, and lovingly- the one life that made a mark on souls, that did things worth never forgetting. I will be a hero, in my own right, in my own time, in not only my own mind, but the world’s. I tell you this today, I will not give in to outside forces like the tragic heroes of the past and future; I will let no one hold me back, no one keep me down. I will stand tall and if I get knocked to my knees, I will rise again in conquest. I tell you this now; "I am the voice of today, the herald of tomorrow…I am the leaden army that conquers the world."

the little things

so i accomplished several feats of greatness this weekend....

i saw happy feet! it's so much goodness that i can't wait til it comes out on DVD. i wonder if i can pre-order it already. the only drawback was that jen(n) wasn't there. like 10 minutes into the movie the thought (among many others) went through my head that "if jen(n) was here, she'd already be crying" anyway, so good. worth it to see in theatres cause people were laughing out loud and stuff.

i brought a chair (although not the final one) to my apt such that i can use the computer and not break my back while at it. this is good. this is why you are hearing from me now.

i bought a phone since i have a phone line. its charging as i type. i also bought all the accessories to enable both the TiVo and digital cable to live in harmony (as well as for my TiVo to live in harmony with my phone line for at least a year).

my one failure (among many) was not getting a camera to photo up the place for y'all to see. but if i get bored later i may try doing an artist's rendition of the joint, with me being the artist and you probably needing a joint for my drawing to make any sense. but alas, cooperative living between my technologies will take top priority tonight.

that's the update!

live free or sit

posting from my new apartment with my new internet connection!!

more posting.. updates.. and photos (i promise jenn!) to come after this weekend. going to see happy feet is a much higher priority!

(and getting a chair so I don't have to stand to post!)

the art of the cons

so come wednesday at 5:30pm i will be signing a lease and beginning the process of becoming a citizen of NH.

the pros:
- paying no more state tax to MA!
- paying no state tax at all
- paying no sales tax
- not driving 70 miles each way to work everyday
- being within walking distance to work for when it sucks out
- having my own place

the cons:
- just paid to register my new car in MA now gots to do all that in NH
- it snows more
- i'll be further away from even more of my friends
- i have to start paying rent again
- i have to learn my way around a new place when i barely can find things in the town i've lived in for 25 years

among other things.... :)

mucha cha!

my old website used to have this whole section of funny pickup lines. it was great. i was just reading through some of it again and it made me laugh. thereforst i decided to share a sampling with you!

enjoy! :)

Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?

I have an "owie" on my lip. Will you kiss it and make it better?

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.

I'm drunk.

Would you like to see me naked ??

Are my undies showing? Answer:"No." You:"Would you like them to?

I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?

I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?

I'm not actually this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet.

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Buy me a beer, will ya hon?

You look like my mommy. I like my mommy.

What the hell are you looking at?

Do you have a name or can I call you mine?

Were you staring at my crotch?

Like Motel 6, I'll leave the light on for you.

the real mccoys

so on my AIM buddy list, i have this great catagory (thanks amy) call plusgood unjerks. it is at the top and is, of course, reserved for the bestest of people that i know. for some, they may not even know they are on it. they live there because i think they are good people that have this natural plusgoodness about them.

but then sometimes i look at it and wonder how good it, as it reflects on me, is a good judge of character. the extent to which stagnation and general resistance play this undeniable role in falsely maintaining the plusgoodness of certain people that really don't meet the standard. equally so, that inertia prevents others from being elevated to this level despite their obvious deserving of such recognition.

and who am i to make such desicions?