"What a long, strange trip it's been...."

I often wonder about people's motives. What on earth makes us do and say the things we do? What develops our perspectives on things? What makes are attitudes? Are we born as pacifists or pessimists? Or do we develop our outlook on life as we live it; forever altering the way we see the world by that variable itself?

It seems so easy to be happy. Well, not to be happy but to realize that you don't have it that bad. No matter how crappy your life may seem at the time.. there's someone else going through worse, has seen worse, or soon will be in deeper shit than you. Most people can just look at some of their closest friends and thank all supernatural powers that they never had to go through that. Maybe eventually there does come a point where there will be own person who has no one to turn to. No one who is worse than them. But I don't think that's any of us.. or in our time.. or in this country.

Happiness is relative.

Existence isn't futile either... self-pity is. We're all here for a reason.. to do something, accomplish something, learn something, teach someone something, to be humbled, to be admired, to be loved. If we wallow in our own tears over our own lives, we miss out on so many opportunities to do what we're here to do. If we stopped wasting time worrying about the bad. If we stopped pushing each other so hard; stopped pushing ourselves beyond the non-existant limits and just breathed the air, smelled the flowers, and counted the stars... we'd all be a little better off.

The best way to live life is not to spend all the time worrying that you are living it right.. or not getting a fair shake... it's all up and down... the down's give you a better perspective and humble you for the up times. The up times are the highlights..enjoy them while there around.

Life's not futile. Don't waste the little you got worrying it is.
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Song(s) to d/l: Joy to the World - Three Dog Night (one of my faaaaavorites)
We're Not Gonna Take it - (Unknown)
Every time - Fisher

Sometimes I sit and wonder about why we make decisions. Well, not we, but rather me. I try to do it as in-often as possible because when I do make them, I often second guess myself afterwards. Maybe it's a lack of practice or tolerance for my own stupidity, who knows.

I wish I did.

I think it's that I so much prefer to make decisions with my heart; with what feels good and right and not necessarily what's the best logically or most rational. But the rest of the world uses their heads. So who's to blame, me or them?

And for that matter, it would make sense to say that I must have some warped vision of right and good if I doubt my decisions after I make them. When everyone else is working with their head and you're working with your heart... things are bound to go awry.

I just want to be happy. Be loved. Be hugged. I want to make decisions that will help me get there. But I can't seem to do it right.

I just want a hug.
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Song(s) to d/l: Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind
Scenes from a Coffeehouse - Blessid Union of Souls
Don't Look Back in Anger - Oasis

These days there just is no justice. People are forever taking things the wrong way, using things not with which the manner they were intended, and simply just not being fair to all things in the world.

Take bananas for example. A fruit; an excellent source of potassium; just one "sector" of the complete breakfast that can be enhanced by eating with the various foods you see on Saturday morning cereal commercial.

But bananas just don't have it fair. Mention banana in the wrong group and all hell breaks loss. Everyone perceives it to mean "something else." As if there is some underlying meaning of bananas. As if they have some alternate motive and the farmers when harvesting back in the day got together and thought, "Wouldn't it be funny if we made a fruit that was shaped like a...."

Next thing you know there are stories about.. "And then one day, at culinary camp, I stuck a banana..."

And then the monkeys. Bring the poor monkeys into the mix and it's just crazed lunancy.

The bananas and monkeys deserve better than this. They need proper and regular harvesting and grooming; they need to be fresh and ripe and the proper color; they need to be petted, nutured and taken care of.

Your banana deserves better, don't you think?

(if this sucks, don't blame me.. jim wanted me to write about bananas)
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Song(s) to d/l:
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something
American Pie - Don McLean

So once my religion teacher told me that if I made time in my day for Eucharistic Adoration no matter how busy I was, that God would make extra sure that I had enough time in my day to complete everything I needed to do. So I went once, and I was slightly surprised that I found truth in what she said. I often doubt my sometimes the meager "faith" that my Catholicism is and was slightly renewed when it worked.

Last night I was a good girl. I sat diligently studying for my two tests. Reading chapters, writing code, reading some more, etc. I took small breaks every once in a while and went to be at a reasonable hour. I woke up early this morning and didn't even feel tired. I went to my first test relaxed and answer everything quickly and succiently (sp?) such as the professor who can't draw stick figures likes. He let us out 20 minutes early from class. I went to the library and studied some more for my other test. I went to calculus and he said our homework wasn't due today nor did we have any due tomorrow. As well, since I was one of the people who passed last week's quiz, I could leave 10minutes early. I proceeded onto my Java test and finished in 10minutes without even using the one page of notes we're allowed to bring in. I double, triple, and quadruple checked my work and passed it in.

So I've begun to believe that good pays off, as does balance. The more you stress and rush and put off, the less patient and forgiving life is to you. Work + Pleasure = a Good Life and Time. It's not all party, not all work.. it's all balance and prioritizing.

Set yourself straight and enjoy the ride.
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Song to d/l: My Own Worst Enemy - Lit
Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta - From the movie Office Space

Some days I think if I just kept walking left I would fall off the earth. It's not that strange of a concept, right? Back in the days before Columbus and such it wasn't such a far fetched idea. Really though.

Is there eventually a point when gravity doesn't matter or count for anything? In every other facet of life, things have a limit. You can only care so much before it becomes futile. You can only try so hard before the same happens. Eventually all that effort becomes wasteful because people don't care. So what if we all on the count of three stopped caring about gravity? 1....2....3....

Did you not care about the existance of gravity for a bit? Harder than you think..hmmm.. Too bad all things weren't in the same respect that hard; the more you try not to think about it, the more pertinent, obvious, and unignorable a presence it becomes in our life. For instance, the more people thought others didn't care, the more insanely noticable it became that they did. At which point, it would be impossible and again futile to try and think differently, as you couldn't about gravity. It's an unalterable presence in or life, necessary whether we're willing to acknowledge it as such or not.

So what if love were like gravity? The more we tried to convince ourselves we didn't need it, the more apparent it becomes that we can't live without it... at which point we can be nothing but happy that our two feet will always find the ground.. and our hearts will always find someone who loves us... no matter how hopeless it seems.

Gravity keeps everyone close. Use it to your benefit.
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Song(s) to d/l: True Colors - Phil Collins
One Moment in Time - Whitney Houston

did you ever sit and contemplate the greatness of the telephone? I really don't. But I decided that in my spare time I should think about it. So I did.

Isn't it such a great thing though; the concept of hearing someone's voice as opposed to all these random characters on the screen that can be interpreted and misinterpreted in 12 x 10^42 different ways or you could just pick up the phone, call someone, and know what's "the dilly-yo" right away.

I've decided the phone is a good thing. Thanks Alexander. You've made my life complete.

Call someone today.. call me if you'd like, it's all good.
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Song to d/l: Alternative Girlfriend -- Barenaked Ladies

Sometimes I just don't know why things are the way they are
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one to blame for it
After all... you don't talk much
Well no, you talk a lot
But what did they say in Hamlet... something like
Words without thought will never to heaven go
You know.. that whole iambic-pentamerish philosophical wonder
You're yelling so loud for something
But what
It's like your waiting for me to say the right thing
and I don't even know it's my turn to speak
It's like your waiting for me
but just when I begin
you leave
and stop
and go
and go
and go
I come
you go
After waiting so long
for me to realize that it's one foot
in front of
the other
It like one large circle
and saying take a left
right after the vertex
I'm not quite sure what you mean
Your ramblings, your calls, your panics
Your love...
Your hate...
Your complete indecisiveness
I know it's
just not about what i want
but I at least want to know what's going on
sometimes
So what is it you want...
give me a hint
I want you to understand
the difference between
tangible and transparent
understandable and ridiculous
That it's hard to react
to a situation you don't even know you're in

Sometimes I wish I could just turn back time
To when I could've just changed things
Moves made
C6 instead
of letting you snatch the queen
while the pawn's guard was down
Now I'm stuck in this corner
tossing and turning between black and white spaces
in a supposed techni-color world
You got me
I lost this little game
Now let me in on the rules
so we can start playing fair

Checkmate

hey hey--- this may be working after all

ok-- this god damn thing better start working...