Curriculum Vitae
by Ernest Cline

I’ve never been much good at selling myself,
Which is probably why I rank job interviews right up there with,
oh, say, Chinese Water Torture on my list of fun things to do.
I think I’d rather chew broken glass
at a Menudo Reunion Concert
being held in the third concentric circle of Dante’s Inferno
than suffer the agony of auditioning myself
in some sanitized office
for some well-groomed stranger
who is intent on dissecting my identity
to match an eighty-word
computer-generated job description
while I sit there fidgeting and trying desperately to remember
which parts of my resume
are actually TRUE

But I do my best to dodge the barrage of calculated, probing questions strategically designed to lay my soul bare for easy corporate analysis:

“What makes you think you’re qualified for this position?”
“What skills do you posses that set you apart from the other applicants?”
and the dreaded, inevitable:
“Tell me why I should hire YOU!???”

Me?
Well . . . because I’m a hard worker.
I’m dedicated.
I enjoy a challenge.
I enjoy working with people.
I work well independently.
I work well as part of a group.
I can give orders, I can take orders.
I show up on time.
Hell, I usually show up early.
I have good personal hygiene.
I have a Can-Do attitude.
I’m a Self-Starter . . .

I’ve never been convicted of a felony.

I’m over 18, a U.S. Citizen,
and I’m authorized to work in this country.
I can take constructive criticism,
I keep my work space tidy,
I can probably pass your drug-test.

I follow through.
I manage time efficiently.
And I’m proficient with the Internet,
Hypertext Markup Language,
File Transfer Protocols, Microsoft Word,
Windows 3.1, 9x, NT, and nine-millimeter Beretta handguns.
I know how to make a thermonuclear device out of
everyday household items.
I know who really shot JFK.

If I wanted to, pal,
I could reach into your chest, pull out your heart,
show it to you while it’s still beating,
AND THEN describe it’s physiological layout, including the location of the Aorta,
and the Left and Right Ventricles.

You see, I’ve got what it takes.
I’ve got the world on a string.
I’m ambidextrous.
And I can use words like obsequious and ubiquitous correctly in a sentence.
I can make weapons-grade Plutonium into a yummy casserole.
I can make a difference.
I can locate Botswana on a map.
I can swing dance.
I’m a team player.
And I’ve been a puppet, a poet, a preacher, a pauper, a pawn, and a king.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a homosexual,
but I am willing to learn.
I can play Heart and Soul on the piano with my toes.
I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.
I can quote Shakespeare when I’m drunk.
You see, I am the One the Legend spoke of.

I can pull the Sword from the Stone,
hook up free cable, make Denver Omelets,
and program my VCR.

I don’t take long lunch breaks,
I don’t steal office supplies,
And I rarely, if ever, call in sick.

And in case you’re about to ask me if I have any weaknesses…

FUCK NO, I don’t have any weaknesses,
unless you count Kryptonite.

I have been know to fly into vengeful fits of homicidal rage when I get turned down for a job by some self-important, balding, baby-boomer FUCKHEAD like you.
But other than that, no . . .

No real weaknesses.

So why don’t you climb down off your high horse,
and just give me a yes or no answer, pal.
Because these are just a few of the reasons,
right off the top of my head,
why you should hire ME.

what's with people being tools?

i'm definitely going to have to write by short story.. whether or not i make it in time for womag's contest. oh yeah. so womag has this short story/essay contest that i was thinking of entering with some funny stories of the past year. it's wicked going to happen. it's going to be good. i swear.

"don't make me come down there. --god"

so lately my life has been pretty uneventful. hence the reason i don't blog much.. cause hell, if it's not that interesting the first time around, it gets a little challenging to make it worth reading about (whereas if it were kickass the first time, i'm sure i could ruin it with writing). well.. i could do it ok with that mirth movie crap that jen made me watch 1/2 of before i abandoned ship on flat man and crazy girl. i almost wished that i could watch dead alive over that movie. almost. but at least i prolly wouldn't want to throw up from watching mirth.

see. see how i did that. see how i ruined it in writing? (hearing lines from when harry met sally: 'see, i didn't let it go. did you see how i did that?').

basically my life goes something like this:
get up
go to work
come home
burn some files
watch some dvds
sleep

the most exciting point of my days are pretty much.
a: the 12 seconds that it isn't raining AND i get to enjoy it cause i'm not stuck inside at work ("she said it's a shame about the weather, nothing for the blues when the sky goes gray")
b: the new cute guy at work. the 4 seconds of each day that i catch a glimpse of him as he leaves ("walk on, what you got they can't steal it no they can't even feel it (your ass)")
c: letting some of the songs i got from jen actually play all the way through and wonder if she ever actually listens to them all the way through.("you lots to try.. moo. you lots to try.. moo"??)
d: thinking of ways to take down aol cause they suck big time. ("well the beat's gonna catch you when the bitch gets back")

"all we are saying is give peace a chance."

so all moved back home. just chilling here for the next two months.. then it's off to ffloner! in august!! i can't wait.

this year will be great. oh yeah, except for the whole "you have to get A's on EVERYTHING" business :P

i find myself in times of trouble
mother mary comes to me
speaking words of widsom
let it be

in my hour of darkness
she is standing right in front of me
speaking words of wisdom
let it be

let it be
let it be
let it be
there will be an answer, let it be

when the night is cloudy
there is still light that shines on me
shine on til tomorrow
let it be

wake up to the sound of music
mother mary comforts me
speaking words of wisdom
let it be

let it be
let it be
let it be
there will be an answer, let it be

and all the broken-hearted people
living in the world agree
there will be answer
let it be

though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they may see
shine on til tomorrow
let it be

let it be
let it be
let it be
there will be an answer, let it be.

sometimes i just wicked want to laugh at people for being so stupid....

do you know who you are??

ok- for those of you that don't know... the last weekend we were in cambridge, me and jen were sitting on my bed, playing nicely, and i leaned back laughing and the frickin bed broke. so anyway, after a major 5am fiasco, it was "repaired"

fast foward to today

we were talking about how jen's mom thinks we'd hate each other next year and cleanliness of our one big bedroom and somehow we got to the bed topic.. so i say something about how i hope i don't break my bed again (but wait, it is already broken!). jen says "it's ok, as long as we still have at least one bed. no, wait, no beds would probably be less weird than one bed." to which i say "so now i have to break both beds?!" and jen says "no, i can break my own bed.. just give me brad pitt!"

yeah. so today jen ovulated.

in other news. some other people some where in the world also ovulated. happy mother's day.



{disclaimer(s):

1. jen has not been impregnated by brad pitt
2. she'd probably be ok with that, cause, well, it's brad pitt
3. the above story was told even though only the last quote was funny cause i don't blog a lot and i wanted stuff to say
4. some days you feel like a nut. some days you just feel nuts.

end disclaimer}

crazy day at the competition today at rally in the valley. i'm going to recommend that the team not go back their again less AT LEAST ken is referee again. gheesh. it was nuts. but i am trying very hard to take the high road, as must as a want to stoop. cause i think i am a stooper by nature. but i will try to be gp cause that's the 'first spirit' (although i think most people possess it 'cept the people it was used to defend today. but anyway).

i will be nice, despite the fact that i really am evil. at least that's what jen(n) says ;-)

i decided that when i die, i want them to play ripple by the grateful dead.

yes. by them i mean god and i want it in dolby surround sound for the entire world to hear. i'm not kidding.

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music
Would you hold it near as it were your own?

It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home

viva CE0 29: okay
viva CE0 29: is wednesday our new wine night?
viva CE0 29: we could have a slogan
viva CE0 29: wednesday night winos
....
woodstock KIWI: ooo, and weekends too, cuz that has the "W" in it

haha. yeah for cheap wine nights with rick. they are very cathartic and full of laughs. just see jen(n)'s blog :P

in one of those boring moods for taking online tests at www.emode.com:

The Brainteaser Test

colleen, you answered 29 out of 30 questions correctly! (what the hell did i get wrong?!?!)

Congratulations! Your score is in the 99th percentile. This means that if one hundred people took the test with you, your score would rank higher than 98 of them on average.

When we analyzed your test, we also discovered that when it comes to quantitative ability, you measure in the 100th percentile. This score indicates you have unusually strong abilities when it comes to solving numerical problems. If there is a numerical pattern to be found, you'll find it. You've got a knack for noticing when something "isn't right." Whether you're conscious of it or not, you have an ability to simply understand when something doesn't add up. Also, when it comes to splitting the check, doing taxes, or determining the number of fans in a baseball stadium, you're the one people turn to.

True Talent Test
colleen, your true talent is verbal ability

You seem to know how to pick the right words for almost every occasion. Beyond your ability to interpret information and articulate your points, you appear to understand the power and aesthetic appeal behind language. Your verbal knowledge can make you versatile in expressing yourself. And your skills in this arena also allow you to pick up subtle meanings behind what people say.

These specialized communication skills can be of huge value in a variety of business and social environments.

What's Your Comfort Cocktail?




colleen, you're a Southern Hurricane

You've got the charm, charisma, and energy to be the life of any party. Any room lights up when you walk in, and people can't help but flock to you. Whether it's your incredible zest for life, or the fact that everyone knows you turn the fun dial up about ten notches, you are always a welcomed guest in any group. Read more about your Comfort Cocktail...

Just grab a tall glass (preferably a hurricane glass), 1 1/2 oz of Southern Comfort, a splash of grenadine, lemon-lime soda, and some lime and orange slices for garnish. You’ll have all the ingredients for a festive cocktail that's just as flavorful as you are. For more great drink recipes, click here!

The Multiple Intelligences Test

colleen, you're smartest when it comes to logical/mathematical intelligence

While others may have dreaded their math and science classes at school, these subjects were probably no sweat for you. In fact you may have even thought they were fun. Your logical/mathematical intelligence makes you the type who can enjoy working with numbers or thinking through difficult questions to arrive at a solution.

Whether you realize it or not, this strength has likely been a help to you throughout your life — not just in the classroom. This is true because for work or recreation, people like you can tend to rely on your logical/mathematical intelligence to look at the world. From noticing patterns of behavior in people to being able to appreciate the visual beauty in a repeated design, your special brand of intelligence can make life both interesting and rewarding.

man, i'm sick of work already, and i've been back for only 2 days!! oh well. it'll all pay off in the end. uh huh.

:)

"it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.."

in other news.. i'm lazy and don't unpack. and i need to start the creative juices flowing again. poetry, stories, art, all that crazy jazz. i've determined that that is a major portion of what is missing in my life right now. i need some inspiration though. i was hoping i could be sparked by my friend robbio, who decided to bike around the country and do and teach improv in this kerouac-like adventure. i dunno though. i need some inspiration. feel free to leave some :)

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A Life of Saturday's - Dexter Freebish
Missing Pieces - OAR
Holiday in Spain - Counting Crows

back from cambridge
back in business, depending on what you think business is.

in any case... can't wait for may to be over and august to come. everything in between will likely just be a blur of everything else anyway..

"If you take care of the inches, the miles will take care of themselves" -Scott Ginsberg

"When I dare
to be powerful,
to use my strength
in the service of my vision,
then it becomes
less and less important
whether I am afraid."
-Audre Lorde