Curriculum Vitae
by Ernest Cline

I’ve never been much good at selling myself,
Which is probably why I rank job interviews right up there with,
oh, say, Chinese Water Torture on my list of fun things to do.
I think I’d rather chew broken glass
at a Menudo Reunion Concert
being held in the third concentric circle of Dante’s Inferno
than suffer the agony of auditioning myself
in some sanitized office
for some well-groomed stranger
who is intent on dissecting my identity
to match an eighty-word
computer-generated job description
while I sit there fidgeting and trying desperately to remember
which parts of my resume
are actually TRUE

But I do my best to dodge the barrage of calculated, probing questions strategically designed to lay my soul bare for easy corporate analysis:

“What makes you think you’re qualified for this position?”
“What skills do you posses that set you apart from the other applicants?”
and the dreaded, inevitable:
“Tell me why I should hire YOU!???”

Me?
Well . . . because I’m a hard worker.
I’m dedicated.
I enjoy a challenge.
I enjoy working with people.
I work well independently.
I work well as part of a group.
I can give orders, I can take orders.
I show up on time.
Hell, I usually show up early.
I have good personal hygiene.
I have a Can-Do attitude.
I’m a Self-Starter . . .

I’ve never been convicted of a felony.

I’m over 18, a U.S. Citizen,
and I’m authorized to work in this country.
I can take constructive criticism,
I keep my work space tidy,
I can probably pass your drug-test.

I follow through.
I manage time efficiently.
And I’m proficient with the Internet,
Hypertext Markup Language,
File Transfer Protocols, Microsoft Word,
Windows 3.1, 9x, NT, and nine-millimeter Beretta handguns.
I know how to make a thermonuclear device out of
everyday household items.
I know who really shot JFK.

If I wanted to, pal,
I could reach into your chest, pull out your heart,
show it to you while it’s still beating,
AND THEN describe it’s physiological layout, including the location of the Aorta,
and the Left and Right Ventricles.

You see, I’ve got what it takes.
I’ve got the world on a string.
I’m ambidextrous.
And I can use words like obsequious and ubiquitous correctly in a sentence.
I can make weapons-grade Plutonium into a yummy casserole.
I can make a difference.
I can locate Botswana on a map.
I can swing dance.
I’m a team player.
And I’ve been a puppet, a poet, a preacher, a pauper, a pawn, and a king.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a homosexual,
but I am willing to learn.
I can play Heart and Soul on the piano with my toes.
I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.
I can quote Shakespeare when I’m drunk.
You see, I am the One the Legend spoke of.

I can pull the Sword from the Stone,
hook up free cable, make Denver Omelets,
and program my VCR.

I don’t take long lunch breaks,
I don’t steal office supplies,
And I rarely, if ever, call in sick.

And in case you’re about to ask me if I have any weaknesses…

FUCK NO, I don’t have any weaknesses,
unless you count Kryptonite.

I have been know to fly into vengeful fits of homicidal rage when I get turned down for a job by some self-important, balding, baby-boomer FUCKHEAD like you.
But other than that, no . . .

No real weaknesses.

So why don’t you climb down off your high horse,
and just give me a yes or no answer, pal.
Because these are just a few of the reasons,
right off the top of my head,
why you should hire ME.