a speck of dirt

i feel like i am losing the ground under my feet. its slowly slipping away like i'm walking the wrong way up the down escalator and am not quite keeping up. At best I'm standing still as i push against the downward force of my everyday life. constantly straining to look up to see what is creeping out of view.

its the challenge of the paradox, the catch 22. is the worst the best or better than the good? what's right in an all left world? i was always one comfortable in my own skin. ok with the way i was. all my flaws were all of me and even when i was young it didn't matter. most people question themselves when they are kids... peer pressure, taunting, media, etc are all strong and driving reminders of everything we are not. despite all we are, we can only see the gap between us and what the world says we might all be better as.

but no, not me. sure it hurt. flashes of insecurity lit the way sometimes. but an inner confidence really is what let the sun shine in. most people gain than confidence as they grow older, get a better grip on reality, a smarter vision of importance in their mind's eye.

i seem to be the opposite. during my first year of graduate school, i had to write my leadership story. who was i, down deep, what drove me to lead in the way that i do. the picture representation i chose one day in class really showed the wisdom of my thought. a lone ice fisherman backdropped by a beautiful sunset. he is kneeling next to a hole in the ice and you can see the water rushing below. his face, all but the content look of his mouth, is hidden behind the fur of his jacket. on the surface, he was alone in a vast cold land. but just below him, unharnassed power raged. he was the balance between the two.. the calmness and the motion, the solitude the comes just ahead of the rush.

the story i wrote is still the truth. with a stroke of amazement it hit me like a brick one day the moment my leadership story began. than day in 3rd grade. the most altering day of my life happened when i was 8. it passed by me at the time i'm sure showing no signs of the great impact it would grow to have. a mere speck of dirt on the lens of my life. but enough to be noticed. too much to ignore.

so when one of the most grown up moments comes when your 8, the world seems to work in reverse. the older i get, the more i lose the ground under my feet. the larger the question in my head becomes. the greater the gap between me and who in the world i am supposed to be. i find myself mysteriously less independent and reliant on others for support. i was never one to be sad or tell my sad story. if i was really upset, i wrote, like this, but didn't speak it. i was fun all the time and always able to cheer people up. being happier was way better than being sad. still is.

nothing's changed.

so if nothing is changed, why can't i be the same? well, not exactly the same, a different version of my better self. where the good is still good and the crap is less crap. why at 25 have i become more vulnerable to harshness of the outside world than i was in elementary school? why did i stand up in its face then and bow my chin now? i see it happening. i see me different. but often only in hindsight or two seconds past the words flowing out of my mouth.

i'd say my heart got soft, but it always was. there was never not an infinite supply of second chances for people, no matter what. i knew everyone, was friendly with everyone, was ok with everyone as they were. it was easy cause i was ok with who i was. but maybe that soft heart is starting to fatigue. maybe just maybe it was abused a few too many times and its taking a little longer to return each time it gets stretched.

believe me, i wish nothing more than to be the old me. in some ways at least. i want to still be ok with who i am, all of me, despite all of me. i want to remain confident than i am a good person worthy of love. i want to be happy all the time and let things roll off my back.

i want to know i still have friends than care about me like i deserve, like i care about them. ones that see me for all that i am and want to help me be all that i can be, even when its hard. change is hard even when it is good and it needs support. we all need support to be the best people we can be. when i was a kid i had it around me everywhere. there was a constant reinforcement both by words and, more potently, by the actions of those who cared about me. unconditional love is one of the most powerful forces in the world.

so if you see me, smile. because of me, despite me, with me, or for me whatever it may be. help me make my life great again so i can make yours greater. i want to be the better person more than anyone might be able to imagine, but it will take time to get back there. and when i'm all me again, maybe you'll finally see all of me.

i just hope its not too late.