Funny horoscopes from theonion.com

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.
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Song(s) to d/l:
Gloria - Laura Branigan
Your Song - Elton John
Famous - Vertical Horizon